Stories to Save You: ‘In the Mouth’

I love telling stories, in fact, I find that I have a story for most situations… Most of these are from my work as a physio and the inappropriateness of them is what makes it appropriate… Awkwardness generally either gets you OUT of a situation or facilitates conversation… Feel free to use one of my lil anecdotes to get you out of that sticky situation if in need :)… All you need to do is start it off with ‘So this happened to a friend of mine…’

Whilst on prac as a student, I was hanging around the nurses station writing up my notes while the nurses were having a lil chin wag…

‘What do you think is the worst job of being a nurse?’ asked one of the nurses to her friend who was just spinning around on the chair whilst her student nurse was trying to chart blood pressure…
‘It would have to be catheters… Can’t stand them!’
‘Oh yeah… I guess, some men have really WEIRD penises, small, short, LONG, BIG, curved, shrivelled, innie, outtie… erghs! shudder… so much to deal with? and its like they’re LOOKING at you!’
Immediately my ears pricked up!… PENIS!? who? what? where?

‘Noooo its not the men that get me, they’re easy… you can obviously see where it needs to go, it’s the WOMEN! There are three holes and everyone is different’ and this is coming from a woman! straight men have no chance, I thought… ‘sometimes you can’t tell which one is the right one!!!…’
Interesting I thought, so I asked ‘Sorry, couldn’t help but eaves drop but then how DO YOU GET THE RIGHT ONE?!…’ this coming from a gay man obviously showing my lack of experience… it also reminded me of a guy at my high school who got dubbed ‘Wrong Hole Noel’ after having an intimate night with his girlfriend…

‘Well, its a process of elimination, you put one in, if she’s still weeing then you know its the wrong one! then you try another one until you finally get the right one!’
‘So on a bad day the patient could technically have three catheters coming out of her with only one doing the right thing?’
‘EXACTLY!! that’s why I HATE IT!’

All this time the nursing student was being quiet until she piped up with…
‘Well, I don’t really like changing adult pads, in fact a friend of mine recently was on her prac and she was helping this old man change his pad and got him to stand up whilst she pulled his pants and pad down… Without any warning the old man farted…’
She paused… dramatic effect or what!?…
‘What happened??… oh no…’
‘No no, he just farted but a little nugget of poo flew out and landed IN HER MOUTH!!!! and she closed her mouth like a venus fly trap!… its a reflex, like when a fly flies into your mouth!’

OMSF!!!! (Open Mouth Shocked Face)… NO WAY!!!!… WAY!!!…




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