Things you should know before moving to Canada

So i’ve travelled a fair bit in my first 30 years of being alive, and set up life in four different countries. Some people think it’s because I have criminal convictions in the previous countries I’ve lived in (not true), but life has brought me to this maple leaf crazy country. This is not a tale of warning but more an FYI. These are the things you should consider about Canadians/Canada before you choose to come live here

1) Every country has their a$$holes, there are copious YouTube videos about a$$holes (and even more RedTube/GayTube videos) but perhaps the proportion of a$$holes to genuine people here in Canada is exceptionally less than the rest of the world which lends itself to a polite, well mannered community

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2) Fact: Settlers did not come to Canada in Winter. Fact: Winter here is a cold, like very very very cold. It is not the kind of Winter where you think ‘Oh, I get to wear cute winter outfits’. If you wear outfits like the ones below you will DIE!

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The only bag that anyone will be carrying is you in a body bag. If you wear what the girl is wearing be prepared to have wooden legs because your actual legs were frost bitten so bad they had to get amputated. Winter here is BRUTAL (learn how to use this as an adjective, it’s a thing here).

3) They make up words to describe their weather because NOWHERE ELSE in the world has weather like Canada. Humidity + Index = Humidex. Wikipedia (the source of truth and knowledge aka modern day Encarta) says ‘the humidex (short for “humidity index”) is an index number used by Canadian meteorologists to describe how hot weather feels to the average person, by combining the effect of heat and humidity.’ So only Canadian meteorologists came up and are the only ones that use this term. Can we not agree that when it’s hot it just feels hot?

hot weather

4) Snow is pretty… in small doses. Think of snow like your chubby, rambunctious friend which you only invite to a dinner party because ‘he/she’s good value’ if he/she doesn’t drink too much, small doses and only every now and then. It snows a lot here, for example this is what people think snow is like

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Snow here is like this

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and it is annoying, slippery, squeaky…and yes, as a newcomer you will LOVE it because it’s a novelty… like your chubby rambunctious friend who you meet for the first time but after the 6th, 7th time in the same month your friend gets old, much like snow

All that white fluffy snow turns into brown salty ‘stain-y’ sludge like this

storm-41 and then it does this to your fave pair of Ugg Boots…

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but lets be honest, if you’re wearing Ugg Boots out in a Canadian winter you deserve this cause you’re literally a bad person

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4) Mounties don’t exist in the city. Best to keep expectations real.

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5) There are a lot of rules around buying liquor. Some provinces allow you to purchase it from grocery and corner stores other provinces only allow you to buy it from a specific licensed store which only opens till 9pm on Saturdays and 6pm on Sundays

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6) Skunks actually smell and they inhabit the city. You will know when a skunk is near by and you will definitely know when you have been skunked. Those heady notes really hit the back of your throat

smell

7) Asians love anything mini, Americans love anything super sized, Australian’s love breakfast, the British love tea time, and Canadian’s love brunch. Brunch is any time between 10am-3pm. Gay brunch is any time after 1pm. Brunch includes breakfast foods such as eggs, pastries, bread, fruit, cheese etc but also includes the possibility of lunch items. Embrace it, you don’t need to wake up early and you get all the goodness of breakfast and lunch in one meal.

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8) Maple syrup is LIFE! you can’t NOT LIKE maple syrup. Actually, I’m pretty sure if you were caught saying you didn’t like maple syrup you would be put into jail.

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9) Learn to punctuate your sentences with either ‘Eh!’. Urban Dictionary defines Eh as ‘An interjection or prompt spoken by Canadians. Equivalent to the American “huh?” or “right?” Usually used to prompt a person to respond to what was said. or to indicate a lack of understanding.’

10) The following people are Canadian which means that if you came to this wonderful land you may end up marrying or dating one of these people

– Ryan Gosling

– Anna Paquin

– Drake

– Rachel McAdams

– Seth Rogan

– Elisha Cuthbert

– Stephen Amell

– Laura Vadervoort

– Joshua Jackson

– Cobie Smulders

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